“The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.” – Audrey Hepburn

“In separateness lies the world’s great misery; in compassion lies the world’s true strength.” – Buddha

“An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.” – Agatha Christie

What do you call a black guy flying a plane? A pilot, you racist.

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!” The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

Why are giraffe children so fat? Because they CAN reach the cookie jar.