Heaven Jokes and Puns

Here are some funny jokes about heaven. No intention to belittle anyone’s beliefs. Also, check out our other funny jokes.

Great Beyond Heaven joke


A cattleman from West Texas died & went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper, “Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Texas.” “The gatekeeper replied, “First of all, I’m not Saint Peter and second, you really don’t know where you are at all, do you?”

Christmas Eve heaven joke


Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, “How do these represent Christmas?” “They’re Carol’s.”

Football in heaven joke


Tom and Mat were best of friends, they played football once a week for 50 years. When they were getting older they had an argument if people play football in heaven. So they made up that whoever dies first will let the other one know what happens in heaven. After Mat dies he comes to Tom in a dream and tells him,”You were right! They play up here and not only that, they have your name for starting quarterback!” “Oh wow! That’s great!” Tom replies. “Well,” replies Mat. “Not that great, they have you playing tomorrow night!”

Accountant in heaven joke


An accountant dies and goes up to heaven. “This must be a big mistake,” he says to God. “I’m way too young. I’m only 45.” “Huh” says God, “we have you here at 85.” “How did you get that?” So God tells him, “we added up all your billable hours.”

Three guys in heaven joke


Three men died, but before God would let them into heaven, God gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted. The first guy said, “I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter.” So God made him 100 times smarter. The second guy said, “I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter.” So God made him 1000 times smarter. The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said, “God, make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter.” So God made him a woman.

Irish heaven joke


Two Irish friends greeted each other while waiting their turn at the bank window. “This reminds me of Finnegan,” remarked one. “What about Finnegan?” inquired the other. ” Tis a story that Finnegan died, and when he greeted St. Peter, he said: It’s a fine job you’ve had here for a long time. Well, Finnegan, said St. Peter, here we count a million years as a minute and a million dollars as a cent.

Heaven gatekeeper joke


A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret? Yes, the professor answered. When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now. Well, said the gatekeeper. That is a very minor sin. You may enter.