Onion Jokes and Puns

“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.

My girlfriend had tears in her eyes when I asked her to marry me.
Probably because I proposed with an onion ring.

What do you call a hobbit with a healthy appetite?
Lord of the Onion Rings.

SHE—”They say that an apple a day will keep the doctor away.”
HE—”Why stop there? An onion a day will keep everybody away.”

Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.

Q: What’s round, white and giggles?
A: A tickled onion!

GRIFFIN: What did the carrot say when the onion told a sad story?
BEN: What?
GRIFFIN: “Stop! You’re making me cry!”

I was out driving the other day and I spotted two packets of cheese & onion crisps walking down the road. I said, “Do you want a lift”. “No thanks”, they replied, “We’re Walkers”.

What’s small, white and laughs a lot in salads? A tickled onion.

One day two onions, who were best friends, were walking together down the street. They stepped off the curb and a speeding car came around the corner and ran one of them over. The uninjured onion called 911 and helped his injured friend as best he was able. The injured onion was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery. After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared. He told the uninjured onion, “I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to pull through.” “The bad news is that he’s going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life”.

I saw an onion ring. So I answered it.

Inside one in every 3.14 onions is an opinion.