Figs the doorbell, it’s broken!
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He goes over to the first priest and says, “Dude, I’m Jesus Christ!” And the priest says, “No son, you’re not.” So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, “Man, I’m Jesus Christ!” Then the priest says, “No son, you’re not.” Finally, the drunk had enough and said, “Here, I’ll prove it.” He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says, “Jesus Christ, you’re back AGAIN?”
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a starting contest.
My girlfriend had tears in her eyes when I asked her to marry me.
Probably because I proposed with an onion ring.
Yo mama is so fat that she took geometry at the school because she heard there will be some pi.
Q. What’s the difference between knowledge and wisdom?
A. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Why did the shy snail drink?
To come out of his shell!’
Why did the other snail drink?
Because he was an alcoholic!’
How do you get your dishwasher to work?
MOVIE RATINGS EXPLAINED: G: Nobody gets the girl. PG: The good guy gets the girl. R: The bad guy gets the girl. X: Everybody gets the girl!
Teacher: “You know you can’t sleep in my class.” Boy: “I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.”
Son: Dad, it’s so cold in here! Father: Go stand in the corner. Son: Why? Father: The corner is 90 degrees.